I want to preface this post by saying that I wrote this (and a few others) before sharing our pregnancy news with the "world." I wanted to get some of my emotions and feelings out on paper, not really anticipating sharing it. However, I have always shared my health and fitness journey in hopes to help others along the way or at the very least, show that others are not alone. And that is my goal of sharing my experience with miscarriage and life afterwards. This is my experience written from my point of view. I am keeping it diary-style, rough and unpolished.
2/15/19 (15 weeks): Pregnancy after loss. I knew this would bring more anxiety and fear. More worry. It is very difficult to find true joy and excitement in something you are so aware can end without any warning. You hesitate to share the news because you can anticipate what other people will say.
And you don't want to hear any of it: Praying for you. How exciting! Congratulations! When are you due?
Everyone means well. Their intentions are kind. I know this. But it all stings. I cringe. I don't want to talk about it. But at the same time it is all I want to talk about.
You find yourself confused. Other people seem more excited than you. And then you feel guilty. You try. But you are unable to get there. You feel disconnected. Your brain knows it is a defense mechanism, but your heart can't quite comprehend.
Everyday, what feels like all day, I am consumed wondering if I am experiencing another missed miscarriage and I won't know until my next appointment. Anxious and nervous are understatements. Each doctor's appointment is a step towards feeling more relief, right? Or at least I am hoping it is. This is a new experience for me.
Today I had my 15 week appointment. I held my breath for most of the morning. I didn't say much to Sean. We were quiet. I just wanted to get through it. I wanted the day over. Last year, at my 16 week appointment, my doctor discovered no heartbeat. There was no warning sign. No heads up. Just betrayal. I walked into that appointment so naive and excited. And walked out with a surgery appointment and a folder of information with my name on it.
Today was a milestone appointment for me. We heard the heartbeat. Strong. Easy to find. I thought I would be able to exhale. Sean asked me when we left if I was feeling any better. I said "sort of." I wanted to say "yes!" and mean it. But honestly, no, I still feel the same. I was hoping for relief. I didn't get it.
We have a limited ultrasound in four weeks. We will measure fluid and fetus size. It sounds medical and cold and for some reason, that makes me feel a little better. And then another full scan with a high risk specialist in Springfield two weeks after that. I just need to pass the time until those appointments. A couple more milestones to hit. More questions will be answered.
As I sit here, I feel conflicted. I remember that I can get pregnant. I am already a big step ahead of so many struggling with infertility. I have only had one miscarriage. I know so many people who have gone through so much worse. I know it isn't a competition and yet I so quickly want to make my pain deservable. I want to reduce it.
I have thought about all the things I have said to other people going through their own painful losses and wonder how many times I got it wrong. I said the wrong thing. Did the wrong thing. Was the reason someone else cringed.
It is very difficult to be kind to yourself when you are in a place of mental struggle. But I do know the importance and will continue to work on that everyday and forgive myself when I get it wrong.
2/15/19 (15 weeks): Pregnancy after loss. I knew this would bring more anxiety and fear. More worry. It is very difficult to find true joy and excitement in something you are so aware can end without any warning. You hesitate to share the news because you can anticipate what other people will say.
And you don't want to hear any of it: Praying for you. How exciting! Congratulations! When are you due?
Everyone means well. Their intentions are kind. I know this. But it all stings. I cringe. I don't want to talk about it. But at the same time it is all I want to talk about.
You find yourself confused. Other people seem more excited than you. And then you feel guilty. You try. But you are unable to get there. You feel disconnected. Your brain knows it is a defense mechanism, but your heart can't quite comprehend.
Everyday, what feels like all day, I am consumed wondering if I am experiencing another missed miscarriage and I won't know until my next appointment. Anxious and nervous are understatements. Each doctor's appointment is a step towards feeling more relief, right? Or at least I am hoping it is. This is a new experience for me.
Today I had my 15 week appointment. I held my breath for most of the morning. I didn't say much to Sean. We were quiet. I just wanted to get through it. I wanted the day over. Last year, at my 16 week appointment, my doctor discovered no heartbeat. There was no warning sign. No heads up. Just betrayal. I walked into that appointment so naive and excited. And walked out with a surgery appointment and a folder of information with my name on it.
Today was a milestone appointment for me. We heard the heartbeat. Strong. Easy to find. I thought I would be able to exhale. Sean asked me when we left if I was feeling any better. I said "sort of." I wanted to say "yes!" and mean it. But honestly, no, I still feel the same. I was hoping for relief. I didn't get it.
We have a limited ultrasound in four weeks. We will measure fluid and fetus size. It sounds medical and cold and for some reason, that makes me feel a little better. And then another full scan with a high risk specialist in Springfield two weeks after that. I just need to pass the time until those appointments. A couple more milestones to hit. More questions will be answered.
As I sit here, I feel conflicted. I remember that I can get pregnant. I am already a big step ahead of so many struggling with infertility. I have only had one miscarriage. I know so many people who have gone through so much worse. I know it isn't a competition and yet I so quickly want to make my pain deservable. I want to reduce it.
I have thought about all the things I have said to other people going through their own painful losses and wonder how many times I got it wrong. I said the wrong thing. Did the wrong thing. Was the reason someone else cringed.
It is very difficult to be kind to yourself when you are in a place of mental struggle. But I do know the importance and will continue to work on that everyday and forgive myself when I get it wrong.
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