Early in my pregnancy, before we were telling anyone at all, I often found myself struggling with a lot of anxiety, especially surrounding events or social engagements. Not because I was scared friends and family would find out exactly, but because I was afraid I would have to talk about it. One particularly tough day was New Years Eve. I kept wavering between staying home and fulfilling our evening plans. One minute I felt okay about canceling, the next extreme guilt. It was on this day that I started keeping a list of ongoing "rules" for me to follow throughout pregnancy. I have been adding to them as I go. Whenever a situation comes up, a conversation takes place, a mental struggle is experienced, I look at these to help remind and guide myself to be kind to myself. Below are the rules I have acquired so far, and honestly, they can apply to anyone no matter your circumstance. Maybe they can help you as well.
Pregnancy after Loss Rules:
1. I will say no. I will not be afraid to decline invitations, social situations, or appearances if they may be triggering or cause high anxiety. (This one is challenging for me because I have children and responsibility. I do not always get this one right. I struggle between knowing it is okay to take a step back and the guilt associated with saying no or changing plans. Be kind to yourself. And to others. We are all trying our best.)
2. I won't get too attached. If anything was learned it was there are no rules. Anything goes.
3. Be kind to myself. Be kind to others.
4. Choose to announce publicly or not. It is my decision whether I want to share with others.
5. Do NOT give a shit about what others think. Even the most well-intentioned friend or family member will say something that stings. Ignore.
6. Ignore unsolicited advice that makes me feel bad.
7. Forgive myself for not feeling or looking visibly excited. (Even as we learned that we are having a baby girl, I struggle to put on smile when someone asks. It isn't that I am not excited, it just is the least important thing to me right now. My mind is consumed with ultrasound results and whether baby is moving enough, gender is so far in the back of my mind.)
8. Apologize when I will, undoubtedly, snap at others because...pregnant.
9. Do not get frustrated at my lack of progress while others are crushing their health and fitness goals. Continue to encourage and support others. It is not a competition. (Health and fitness has been a huge part of me the last 7 years. I run accountability groups. I am an online coach. A personal trainer. Certified in two programs. I am always looking to connect with others to help them reach new goals. It is extremely important to me to help others find a voice and the courage to take their health and wellness into their own hands and make themselves a priority. Being physically restricted has been difficult for me. I am taking it one day at a time.)
10. Remind myself I am worthy of good news and happiness. Even on the dark days, I will make time to focus on the positive and reenergize my soul. I deserve it.
11. Others will have opinions about you. Those are not my concern. Do not waste time or energy giving those opinions any life.
12. Take time to breathe. Focus on the breathing. Quiet my mind. Rest.
Pregnancy after Loss Rules:
1. I will say no. I will not be afraid to decline invitations, social situations, or appearances if they may be triggering or cause high anxiety. (This one is challenging for me because I have children and responsibility. I do not always get this one right. I struggle between knowing it is okay to take a step back and the guilt associated with saying no or changing plans. Be kind to yourself. And to others. We are all trying our best.)
2. I won't get too attached. If anything was learned it was there are no rules. Anything goes.
3. Be kind to myself. Be kind to others.
4. Choose to announce publicly or not. It is my decision whether I want to share with others.
5. Do NOT give a shit about what others think. Even the most well-intentioned friend or family member will say something that stings. Ignore.
6. Ignore unsolicited advice that makes me feel bad.
7. Forgive myself for not feeling or looking visibly excited. (Even as we learned that we are having a baby girl, I struggle to put on smile when someone asks. It isn't that I am not excited, it just is the least important thing to me right now. My mind is consumed with ultrasound results and whether baby is moving enough, gender is so far in the back of my mind.)
8. Apologize when I will, undoubtedly, snap at others because...pregnant.
9. Do not get frustrated at my lack of progress while others are crushing their health and fitness goals. Continue to encourage and support others. It is not a competition. (Health and fitness has been a huge part of me the last 7 years. I run accountability groups. I am an online coach. A personal trainer. Certified in two programs. I am always looking to connect with others to help them reach new goals. It is extremely important to me to help others find a voice and the courage to take their health and wellness into their own hands and make themselves a priority. Being physically restricted has been difficult for me. I am taking it one day at a time.)
10. Remind myself I am worthy of good news and happiness. Even on the dark days, I will make time to focus on the positive and reenergize my soul. I deserve it.
11. Others will have opinions about you. Those are not my concern. Do not waste time or energy giving those opinions any life.
12. Take time to breathe. Focus on the breathing. Quiet my mind. Rest.
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